Suppressing emotions, avoiding feelings and overthinking

Part 2 — When coping with emotions keeps us stuck

You leave a conversation feeling unsettled. Nothing dramatic happened, and yet one sentence keeps returning to you. You replay your own answer, imagine what the other person might have meant, then try to put the whole thing out of your mind. For a while, you distract yourself. Later, in bed, the conversation starts again.

It is tempting to divide our responses to emotion into helpful and unhelpful ones. Feel the feeling: helpful. Push it away: unhelpful. But actual life is less tidy. There are times when holding back tears helps you get through something that needs doing. There are times when stepping away from a conversation protects both people from words they would regret. And there are times when watching a film instead of analysing a painful event is exactly what gives you enough rest to come back to it tomorrow.

The question is less whether you have ever suppressed, avoided or distracted yourself, and more what happens when a particular response becomes your only option. Does it give you space to return to the situation with more capacity? Or does it quietly make your life smaller?

When we hold it in

Suppression can mean different things. You may decide not to show anger during a meeting because you want to address the issue privately afterward. You still know you are angry, and you intend to do something with that information. Or you may tell yourself that the anger is unreasonable, smile, agree, and never let yourself consider what boundary was crossed. Both can look composed from the outside. They do not lead to the same place.

Choosing when and how to express an emotion is part of living with other people. We do not owe everyone an immediate account of everything we feel. The difficulty comes when controlling the expression of a feeling turns into a habit of refusing to notice it. What remains unspoken may show up elsewhere: in distance, irritation, exhaustion, or a reaction that surprises even you. It may also become difficult for someone close to you to understand what is happening, because you have given them no way to know.

This does not mean that expressing every emotion is healthy. Saying everything that passes through your mind can cause harm, especially when you are highly activated. There is a difference between acknowledging anger and handing anger the microphone. You can take it seriously and still choose a time, tone and action that reflect what you value.

When we keep our distance

Avoidance also has more than one face. Leaving an unsafe situation is sensible. Taking a break from overwhelming news or postponing a difficult discussion until you can both give it proper attention may be wise. But if each uncomfortable feeling becomes a reason not to do something important, relief can come at a cost. You decline the invitation because you might feel awkward. You do not ask a question because the answer might hurt. You keep postponing a conversation that could change a relationship. Each decision makes sense for a few minutes. Together, they can gradually draw a tighter boundary around your life.

One useful test is to ask what the pause is for. “I will come back to this when I have slept” is different from “I hope that if I wait long enough, I will never have to face it.” You may still choose not to return; not every situation deserves more of your time. What matters is whether the decision has become possible, or whether fear is making it for you by default.

When thinking stops moving

Reflection can help us understand an emotion. After the unsettling conversation, you may realise that the other person touched a sore point, or that you assumed criticism where none was intended. You may decide to ask what they meant or to apologise for your part. Thought has helped you arrive somewhere.

Rumination feels active but often keeps returning to the same place. You examine the wording again, invent another explanation, test it against an imagined reply, and begin over. There may be a real problem to solve, but no new information is entering the room. The body remains tense while the mind tries to obtain certainty from a situation that cannot offer it yet. You may become more convinced of a particular interpretation simply because you have spent so much time rehearsing it.

If you are unsure whether you are reflecting or ruminating, notice what the thinking produces. Has it led to a clearer question, a decision, a change you can make, or a more compassionate understanding? Or are you circling the same few possibilities with increasing urgency? Sometimes it helps to write down what you know, what you are assuming, and what you cannot know without speaking to the other person. That will not settle every feeling. It can stop an assumption from quietly becoming a fact.

Relief is not the only measure

Many of these responses work in the short term. That is why we use them. Suppressing an expression may prevent an argument; avoiding a situation may reduce anxiety; going over an event may briefly feel like taking control. Immediate relief is real, and it matters. It is simply not the whole measure of whether something helps.

Imagine returning to the conversation from the opening. You may decide to leave it alone after considering it. You may tell the person that one remark stayed with you and ask what they meant. You may notice that the remark hurt because it touched an older insecurity, even if no harm was intended. Any of those could be a thoughtful response. What would keep you stuck is the sense that you must either erase the feeling at once or keep working on it in your head until you can guarantee you will never feel it again.

There is room between those extremes. You can let an emotion be present without giving it the entire evening. You can postpone a reaction without postponing the issue indefinitely. You can seek to understand what happened without demanding absolute certainty.

This is the second article in a three-part series on emotional regulation. Part 1 explored how emotions unfold; in part 3, we will ask how to choose a response that fits the feeling and the situation you are in.

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References and further reading

• Nolen-Hoeksema, S., Wisco, B. E., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). “Rethinking rumination.” Perspectives on Psychological Science.

• Aldao, A., Nolen-Hoeksema, S., & Schweizer, S. (2010). “Emotion-regulation strategies across psychopathology: A meta-analytic review.” Clinical Psychology Review.

• Jones, J. L., Isaacowitz, D. M., & Ayduk, Ö. (2026). “Conceal and don't feel as much? Experiential effects of expressive suppression.” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. This newer experimental study helps explain why suppression should not be described as invariably ineffective.